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50F degrees

People in southern England turn on the central heating.
People in Edinburgh plant out bedding plants

40F degrees

Southerners shiver uncontrollably
Glaswegians sunbathe on the beach at Largs

35F degrees

Cars in the south of England refuse to start.
People in Falkirk drive with their windows down.

20F degrees

Southerners wear overcoats, gloves and woolly hats.
Aberdonian men throw on a T-shirt & girls start wearing mini-skirts

15F degrees

Southerners begin to evacuate to the continent.
People from Dundee swim in the North Sea at Broughty Ferry

Zero degrees

Life in the south grinds to a halt
Inverness folk have the last BBQ before it gets cold

Minus 10F degrees

Life in the south ceases to exist
People in Dunfermline throw on a light jacket

Minus 80F degrees

Polar bears wonder if it's worth carrying on.
Boy Scouts in Oban start wearing their long trousers

Minus 100F degrees

Santa Claus abandons North Pole.
People in Stirling put on their 'long johns'.

Minus 173F degrees

Alcohol freezes
Glaswegians get upset because all the pubs are shut

Minus 297F degrees

Microbial life starts to disappear.
The cows in Dumfries-shire complain about farmers with cold hands

Minus 460F degrees

All atomic motion stops.
Shetlanders stamp their feet and blow on their hands

Minus 500F degrees

Hell freezes over.
Scotland wins the World Cup......

Minus 501- all the English councils de-restrict, but the Scottish trade remain firm.

. . . and somewhere in the distance an Englishman is still going on about when they won the cup over 40 years ago. Yawn.