Taxi Driver Online

Don't you wish that you had written this?


Subject: Passport Application


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am at a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of TV Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the TV detector van can tell if my TV is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die! [That's my favourite line!]


I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, and then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some [edited by admin] to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN ...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

This guy for Prime minester.........

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain......
But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.......

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

A tribute to The British.

[1] Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

[2] Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

[3] Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

[4] A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

[5] At the height of the gale, the coastguard radioed a harbourmaster and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

[6] Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

The text of a get well card to a hospitalized union official read:

Amalgamated Pipe Fitters, Local 22, wishes you a speed recovery...

...by a vote of 322 to 299.

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Now that is funny.

_________________
Grandad,

# Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

# If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

# Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

# Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

# Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

# A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
# Plagiarism saves time.

# If at first you don't succeed, try management.

# Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

# TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

# The beatings will continue until morale improves.

# Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

# We waste time, so you don't have to.

# Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

# Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

# A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

# When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

# INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

# Succeed in spite of management.

# Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

_________________
IDFIMH

Hi Captain; Is This Your Mugshot?

_________________
Kind regards,

Brummie Cabbie.

Type a message, post your news,
Disagree with other members' views;
But please, do have some decorum,
When debating on the TDO Forum.

No, the Captain is a lot older than that mush.

_________________
IDFIMH

PMSL

I had two paper rounds an the second was around Shap

CC

_________________
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Oh and......

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions - while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

I am proud to be British

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Qantas is an airline company based in Australia .



After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a problem sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the sheets before the next flight.

Of course, the ground crew and engineers have a sense of humour too. So, here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.


(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)


P = The problem logged by the pilot
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most

Not strictly a true statement.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Qantas_fatal_accidents
http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/stories/s69092.htm

_________________
Grandad,

it was at the time of writing

_________________
Of all the things ive lost, i miss my mind the most